I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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