This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
