I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Every concussion has its silver lining
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
