I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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