Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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