is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
