the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
