you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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