im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
