He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
