I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
