margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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