I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
