We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
