i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
