Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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