just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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