feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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