When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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