chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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