She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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