Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
