Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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