Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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