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When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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