theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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