My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude i'm inner monologue high
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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