Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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