dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
