Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
