Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
