So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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