Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
