I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
