He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
