fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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