just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
