dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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