sorry about calling you the devil all night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
