Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
