listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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