Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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