If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
