she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
