Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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