i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
