I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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