i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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