I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were destined to go to rehab together
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
