guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize