Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
