I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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