i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
