U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
