Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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