and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
