i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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