Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
