hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
