just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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