I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
