Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize