I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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