Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
