woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
